December 15, 2008

Christmas is closing in on us, and I am starting to freak out. I don't know why, but the idea of Jayson not being home for the holidays just somehow seems wrong, and it is really starting to get to me. I really didn't think this would bother me like it is. We will get through it though, I'm sure. We get 2 weeks off from school, so that leaves a lot of time to think. Going to have to find some projects to keep myself busy!

The kids have been taking guitar lessons for a month now, and it is amazing how quickly they are picking it up! I am sure their dad will be plenty suprized! Their guitar teacher is awesome, and so far the kids just love her! We have to drive about 45 miles to get to her place, which is the only drawback, but it is well worth it.

Regan's birthday is in 5 more days...

December 1, 2009

I took our yearly family Christmas picture, and it turned out pretty nice! I even managed to get Jayson in there!

November 29, 2008

Thanksgiving was nice. We went to Riverton to my sister and brother-in-laws house, as we usually do. Jayson was able to call via computer at about midnight his time, which was about 1:30pm our time. He got to say hi to almost everyone, then we lost him. Sometimes the connection is great, other times not so much. Driving home I got sad and started feeling blue, but he called about 11:30pm, so that helped. We took a picture of everyone, and my sister added a message for Jayson.

It seems like lately emotionally I have had a harder time. When I get sad, it seems to last longer than it did in the beginning. The first month or two after Jayson left, I would feel sad for a few hours, and then snap out of it. Now it lasts days before I feel good again. We are keeping very busy, and maybe that is part of the problem. Maybe I need to just slow down and take some time to myself. That is something I never really do, so it might be hard for me! The kids seem to be doing well. They miss Jayson and all gather around to talk to him when he calls. Seems like such a long tome until May...

November 1, 2008

Happy Halloween! The kids had a good time with Halloween parties at school, and trick-or-treating, and more parties in the evening. It was nice having Halloween on a Friday this year, so the kids didn't have to hurry up and get to bed so they could get ready for school the next day.

Regan and Morgan dressed up as Mario and Luigi, and Wyatt went as a bloody skeleton. Jayson and I usually drive the kids around so they can trick-or-treat. This year, I was alone in that. Morgan went out with some buddies for candy collecting, and the little two went to a party, then out to a few houses.

Next up, Thanksgiving...I am afraid the holiday season is going to be hard to get through. I got choked up several times driving around town for trick-or-treating. I guess when you are used to doing everything as a family, when we are not all together, nothing feels right. It feels like there is always something missing...like there's a void. I guess that is because there is something missing...there is a void!

October 21, 2008

Today was Wyatt's birthday. We got him a baby bearded dragon! He wanted a pet for his room. He named it "Wally", which is his nickname! It is the cutest thing, and so friendly!

Last night I woke up about 2:00am to the sound of Wyatt crying. Jayson had called yesterday to wish him an early happy birthday, and let him know that he would be thinking about him. He said that he probably wouldn't be able to call him on his birthday, because they were going to be on the road. I went into his room, and asked him if he was okay. "I've BEEN crying." was all he said. I went and gave him a hug, and he seemed satisfied then. He cries a lot. Especially at night. Much like his mom.

October 13, 2008

It is cold today, and cold does not make me very happy. And, well, I have an irrational fear of winter, and I know it is coming, and having it come without Jayson, it is creating anxiety for me. I know, it is a stupid thing to not love, but I really, really do not love snow and cold. I checked the forecast, and next week it is supposed to warm up again. I think it would be easier on me if it were summer the whole time Jayson was gone. Winter is just a cold, long, lonely time anyway, and now it will be especially cold, long and lonely.

We went to the high school homecoming game last Friday, It was a lot of fun. Before the game they sing the National Anthem. Half way through, I started to tear up. I tried to blink away my tears so nobody would notice, but someone did, then they gave me a hug, so that drew more attention to me, and hence more tears. Sheesh, it is just the National Anthem at a small town high school football game for crying out loud, and I was bawling like a baby. Funny the things that make it all hit home. It is nice that other people understand and offer their support, although when they do, it is harder to hide my feelings. I miss my husband.

Morgan finished up with football on Thursday. They won their last game. They ended the season winning 4 losing only 1.

We used to make big dinners, turkey and all the fixings, almost every Sunday after church. We haven't done that since Jayson left. It just seems somehow wrong. I really need to start doing that again, and try to keep up our traditions while he is gone, especially for the kids. They get sad and angry sometimes, and we all have days where we just want to punch something, and then cry. Maybe we should all take up kickboxing. I bet that feels good.

Regan got a card from her dad, so I pulled her out of her class to give it to her, because I thought she would be so excited. It made her cry. She tried to act tough and not let me know, but I saw her tears, and it broke my heart. I just scooped her up and told her that I cry every single time I get a letter from him. "Really?" she asked, eyes wide. Yes, I told her. I told her that it makes me happy and sad all at the same time, and that just makes me cry. She agreed, that was exactly how she felt. We gave each other a big hug, and as I watched her walk back down the hall to her classroom, the tears came again.

On Wednesday, Jayson called to talk before school. I was running behind, and trying to get all the kids ready for school. I passed the phone around so everybody could say hi to him, and talk for a bit. I was getting frustrated because when I am not constantly reminding the kids about what they need to get done, (brush your teeth, get dressed, load your backpack, get your homework, pack your lunch, feed the dog...) they will just sit on the couch, and zone out. Finally I realized how late I was going to be, and I got a little angry with my husband, and said, I really have to go. I could hear the disappointment in his voice as he said goodbye. At first I was relieved, and we all headed out the door. After driving for about 5 minutes, I felt sick about how I had treated him. I realized that he was so much more important to me than being on time for my job. I felt like a complete jerk. I emailed him the second I got to school, and apologized, and told him how much he means to me. It bothered me all day. He called that evening, and everything was okay. Never again will I be "inconvenienced" by a call from my man. My family comes first, always has, always will, and I didn't put it that way that morning. I will never do that again.
Jayson, I am sorry. That guilt will bother me forever, I think.

September 28, 2008

We had a great time in Casper. It was nice getting away from all our responsibilities, if only for a day or two!

We met up with my sister, Traci, and brother, Donny "Joe" and my sister in law, Heidi for lunch. Later that day we went "treasure hunting" with Donny and Heidi, and my sister, Tiffini and brother in law, Tyson. The kids had a blast. They all got out their metal detectors and hunted around by an old bridge by the river. They found many treasures including an old bullet casing, some "tetanus rods" (rusty nails, a few old pull tab pop tops, and a few coins. The oldest coin was from the 80's (that is 1980's!) and the newest was a 2008 penny Tyson planted for Regan to find...I don't know whether she fell for it or not, as soon as she dug it up, she said "That sure is a shiny penny!" The kids had a great time, and helped take all of our minds off the stressful events of the past few weeks.

Now we are back home, and time to get back into the swing of things! I will be going to Casper on Thursday for a memorial service for the soldier from Jayson's team who was killed. I am sure that will be difficult, but it is important that I, and all of the other wives and family members, be there to show our support and unity for his family.

I am worried a lot lately, and if I don't hear from Jayson for a few days, I start to get nervous. I can't imagine what it must be like to have that knock on the door. It terrifies me, and I think I would just not answer it. If you don't answer, they can't tell you. I am sure that isn't something I should be worrying about, but it is hard not to. 8 more months...

September 23, 2008

This last week was emotionally difficult. Our beloved veterinarian, the wonderful man who took care of Jack when he was sick, and all of our other animals for the past several years that we have lived in this town, passed away. He will be terribly missed by so many people, and I was devastated to hear of his passing. Dr. Kerr was one of a kind, a person with amazing compassion and love for animals, and one of the best people I have had the pleasure of knowing. My heart is sad.

One of the men on Jayson's team was killed last week. This is heartbreaking as well, and hits very close to home. My heart goes out to his entire family, and I wish them peace and strength in the coming days, months, and years. I can't put into words the feelings of fear, sadness, and anger I have felt these past few days. I have been flooded with emotions from fear, to relief, then to sadness and guilt, then back to fear, and on to worry, and I am left exhausted. Today I had a hard time at work. I don't know why it all hit me like it did, but it hit me hard. I had to leave for a few hours just so I could go have a good cry, and try to get myself put back together. My mind was in such a bad place, and I felt like I had no control of my thoughts. Not a pleasant feeling. I guess I just needed some time to myself to let myself cry, and not have to be strong for anyone. After a few hours I was able to get back to work, and I am feeling okay now.

The kids and I have decided that we need to get away. We are planning on going to Casper for the weekend. We will stay at a hotel so the kids can swim. We will be away from our responsibilities, and hopefully have a fun relaxing weekend. My poor kids haven't had much fun since Jayson left. It seems like it has been all business since he left, and that isn't fair to them. This last week has just made me realize that I need to add some fun into our lives, and slow down every now and then to just appreciate and enjoy each other's company. Never let a day go by without letting those around you know how important they are to you.

September 15, 2008

Happy 15th anniversary to Jayson and me. He sent me a beautiful bouquet of flowers and the card made me cry. Sheesh, I miss that guy...

September 13, 2008

Jayson has been gone for a month now. One down, 9 1/2 to go! We are all doing well, the kids and I are staying busy and Jayson calls every few days. Wyatt is having a hard time sleeping, so I am going to talk to his doctor to see if there is something we can do to try and help him out. He is really missing Jayson, and worries constantly. It is hard to see him sad. I tell him that I miss his dad too, and that we will write him emails and letters so he knows how muchg we miss him. It helps Wyatt to be able to write to him, but the phone calls, he lives for those.

The school is trying to help our kids out too. They have started a group with my 3 kids, and one more boy who's dad is also in Afghanistan. At this time, they are the only ones who have a deployed parent. These kids get to go and talk about their dads and how they are doing and how they are feeling. I hope this helps them cope. Sometimes kids won't open up completely at home, so maybe this can help them sort through their feelings. They are also having the school groups make up care packages, and our kids get to be involved in that. This way they can feel special when they are struggling with their feelings inside.

Morgan got his hardship (drivers license at 14). He is pretty proud of it! It is very strange having my little boy driving a car! He gets braces on Monday, so there are a lot of changes happening, and it makes me sad to realize Jayson is missing all of it. I do send him pictures of everything we do, and of course sent this picture of Morgan with his license as soon as we got it in the mail!

August 27, 2008

It seems like I am always finding excuses not to blog, but this whole deployment business is harder to deal with than I had thought it would be, and it is really bringing me down. It is hard when we have an argument, when we hang up, he can call me, but right now I can't call him. It doesn't seem fair. It is like there is nothing I can do, everything is beyond my control, and I just feel sad. It's early, so I am sure this will get easier. I hope. It is hard not knowing exactly where he is, what he is doing, what he is experiencing, and how much danger he might be in. These are not things he will tell me until after the fact, I am sure. This way, he tells me, I won't worry. Not true! I think I worry more!

Morgan started football at school, so he has practice every night. Wyatt is managing the team, so he goes and helps out with practice. I am glad he decided to do it. Now they have something in common that can help them bond, I hope!

School is in full swing. The kids and I started back on the 20th of August. I was not ready to go back. I never am, but this year it seems like we had to go back way too early. The day before we went back, the kids and I met a friend and her kids for a day at the lake. I wasn't feeling that well, so my friend and I just sat in beach chairs and watched the kids play in the water, and talked. It was nice to have someone to talk to. I had a stomach ache for about a week after Jayson left, and I just now realize that it was probably caused by stress, and nerves. I am feeling better now, just blue. I am looking forward to the community Ed classes through out local college to be posted. I am planning on taking a class, more than likely something active, to help keep me busy and moving. We took our little dog, Bergie, to the lake with us. She got to try out her new life jacket! I think she liked it. The kids had a blast playing with her, because she was like a little toy, and the life jacket has handles so they could pack her around like a little suitcase!

Jayson isn't able to call us as much as he did when he was in the states, which was a few times a day. Now we have to go a few days between phone calls, so I am making sure I email him daily, just to let him know we are all doing okay, and that we are thinking about him. We finally got a mailing address for him, so we can start sending care packages! The kids will have fun with that, I'm sure! Gotta keep pluggin' away.

August 14, 2008

Jayson left yesterday. It was harder on me than I ever could have imagined. I had been doing okay the past few months knowing he was still in the states, and that we got see see each other every so often.

He left on Wednesday, at about 2 in the afternoon. They drove back to Kansas, and then found out they will fly out Saturday, August 16th. I was upset with this, as they were told it would be 12-48 hours and they would be gone. I would have taken a few days off and gone back with him had I known. The military is not exactly family friendly, and that makes me sad. They don't take families and feelings into consideration when they schedule, so there seems to be a lot of wasted time. Time that we could have spent together.

We had a nice week, though. The first day Jayson was home, he and I took a Harley trip through the Black Hills, visited the Sturgis motorcycle Rally, then picked up my "new" Jeep Wrangler in Beulah, WY, which I had bought off EBay the week before! When we got home, Jayson took all the seats out of the Jeep, and Rhino-linered the entire floor. It looks great! He also changed all the plugs and wires, distributor cap and rotor, and did some general maintenance on it. He was impressed with it, which was a relief to me. I have always wanted a Jeep, and when I told him I had bought it, he was not too happy. But when he got a chance to look it over, he decided that I had done okay! I have been busy personalizing it, with new seat covers and a tire cover to start with. I love driving it. It is like a little chunk of happiness for me! I am easy to please. Maybe it will help me get through this year. When I get sad or upset, I can go for a drive!

The next day we took the Jeep(!) and pulled the boat out to Glendo Reservoir. The kids love spending the lay on the lake. They did some fishing, but again caught nothing. Morgan got a bite, and the fish was apparently huge, and it took off with his new pricey lure! But we had a good time anyway. We had Bergie, our Cairn Terrier with us, and after seeing that she isn't the strongest swimmer out there, got her fitted with a new life jacket! She hates it! But she will be safer, and I will feel better next time we go out!

On Friday we went on a shopping trip to Casper, and got our boys new beds. The poor kids had been sleeping on split apart bunk beds which they'd had for the past 8 years or so, so it was time for "good beds". I am hoping that Wyatt will start to sleep better with his new bed. He has been having more and more night terrors, and even worries about everything before he goes to bed. Every little sound startles him, and he makes sure more than a few times that the doors are all locked before he goes to bed. He usually ends up in my bed within a few hours. We're pretty sure a lot of it is due to anxiety about Jayson being gone.

The rest of the time Jayson was here we spent taking care of things around the house. He worked on the yard, the Jeep, the motorcycles, the garage. The week just flew by.

By about Monday evening, I started getting extremely restless and anxious. I get very crabby when I am hurt or worried, and end up pushing Jayson away. I didn't want to be around him. I can't even explain it, and now I don't understand why I do that, but I guess I figure if I stay away, it can't hurt me. But it does. I was pretty distant, and by Tuesday night, you could say I was freaking out! He didn't understand what my problem was, and he just ended up getting mad at me, and only saw my frustration as a lack of support, and not the worry and hurt that I was feeling. I ended up out on our deck thinking I was going to have a nervous breakdown. It was awful! I was able to get a hold of a dear friend of mine, Sher, who lives too far away, and she helped me calm down and regain my composure. After that, we were finally able to talk, if only for a while. We ended up having a nice last evening, but I cried myself to sleep for the 3rd night that week. When he left, I felt almost numb. I couldn't stop the tears as I watched him drive away. Stupid as it sounds, I felt like I was being abandoned. Left with a houseful of kids, a ton of responsibilities, lists of things to accomplish...alone.

Now it is time to buck up, get over feeling sorry for myself, and start the countdown...About 291 days, according to my calculations. We will be okay. I will be okay. Jayson will be okay. It is such a long time. And I don't have to like it, I just have to get through it.

August 4, 2008

Jayson will be home late tomorrow night. Probably more like early Wednesday morning. He gets released at about 4:00pm. I am looking forward to him coming home, but I am nervous at the same time because I know this is the last time I will get to see him for a long time. We had talked about having me drive him back to Kansas when it was time for him to leave so I could spend that last bit of time with him. Today he told me they are not recommending any family members come back with them because security will be tight, and we might not be able to see much of them anyway. The actual flight time and all that is a big secret, all they know is that they will fly out anywhere from 12 to 48 hours after they arrive back. This makes me sick to my stomach. I don't like not knowing. I don't like secrets. I guess I had better get used to the idea. I am sure there will be a lot of things I do not know, a lot of times where all I will be able to do is wonder where he is and how he is, and that will be very hard for me. For the past 17 years, Jayson and I have always been able to communicate whenever we needed to, always being able to be there for eachother whenever we needed eachother. It makes me sad to think that not only will he not be able to be here for me and the kids, but that I won't be able to be there for him either. I just need to make the most of this week we have together, then write lots of letters and take lots of pictures so I can include him as much as possible. For the past few months I have been sending him picture messages through the cell phones letting him know where we are and what we are up to. He loves getting those, and always tells me how much he appreciates it. It won't be as easy when we can't use the phones, but there is always email. It won't be instant, but at least we have that.

The kids start school on the 20th. It seems like it comes sooner every year. This is not my favorite time of year. In fact, when fall is coming, it just means winter is right around the corner, and I am very much a solar powered girl, and I tend to get a little SAD when school comes. I wish my kids could stay home and we could just play all year. But I guess it doesn't work that way! Rats. Morgan will be able to play football this year (he had a broken collar bone last season) so he is looking forward to that. And dance will be starting up for Regan real soon, then there are the guitar lessons...I will be keeping so busy that this year will probably just fly by! I need to make sure the video camera is out and used often, then I can put it all on DVD's and send the games and recitals and all that fun stuff to Jayson so he doesn't have to miss any of it.

July 28, 2008

It has been way too long since I posted last. I have been so busy with my job and the kids, and our business, and emotionally I have been feeling very tired and generally bummed. I have so much to do every day, and I feel like I am never caught up, and I am always falling behind. When I sit down and really think about it, I am really doing okay. I guess it is probably just stress and being overwhelmed. And I miss Jack. I got his grave marker today. It is a stone that has his name and a paw print engraved on it.

Jayson gets to come home in one week! He gets a whole week off before he has to leave to go back to Kansas, then it is off to Afghanistan... We are planning on taking a motorcycle trip when he is home. I am looking forward to that. It will be nice to spend some alone time with him before he has to leave.

The kids and I have been staying very busy lately. Last week I took them to a small lake about 25 miles from our house. They had a lot of fun swimming in the lake, but ended up with itchy bumps later on that evening! I don't know what was in the water with them, but the bumps are still there, so they are more than likely going to go see the doctor tomorrow! On Wednesday, we went to Cheyenne to watch the air show on. That is always a lot of fun. Then that Saturday we went to Mitchell, NE to watch the remote control plane fly-in. And yesterday we went to Casper to watch the hot air balloons, got up and left the house at 3:00am, got there about 5:30am, and at about 6:00 they cancelled the show due to wind! What a let down! So we got a hold of my brother and his wife, and we all went to a place and raced slot cars. The kids had a great time doing that, so it made missing the balloon show worth it for them. Then we met up with my sister and we all went out to lunch. It was nice getting to see all of them. We got home about 6 last night, and I am still tired from the short night before. I would love to be able to sleep in, but I just can't! I am the most productive in the a.m., and this morning I was up about 6:30, went and sprayed weeds, walked my big dog, and finished my landscaping project all before my kids even woke up! Now I am tired again. I have a hard time falling asleep at night, then get up way too early, and I wonder why I am feeling less than chipper these days I need to do something early in the evenings to help me relax so I can go to bed at a decent time, and actually fall alseep! Sometimes I wish my mind had an off switch. But them how would I get it back on?

July 17, 2008

Today was a difficult day. I had to have Jack put to sleep. Every time I had pet him lately I could feel more of his bones. He was barely eating. Last night he didn't sleep in his usual spot on our deck. He did not want to be in the house. He ended up sleeping behind the house. In the morning, I went outside to give him his medicine. I gave it to him in a hotdog, because he always would take it that way. A few minutes later he went down the hill and threw up. I know it was time. I could not let him suffer anymore. I kept hoping that he would get better. I finally realized that he would not. He is buried out back between the fire pit and the canal, two of his favorite places. This was very hard to deal with, especially without having Jayson here to help me. I will miss Jack terribly.

July 10, 2008

It has been a rough month. Jack being sick has consumed a lot of my time and emotional energy. I took him to Fort Collins, Colorado to the animal hospital at CSU. The best place in the nation to take a sick animal. There really isn't anything they can do for him short of chemotherapy. That would entail taking him to Fort Collins several times for chemo injections and perhaps getting a year of quality life for him. The cost would be 2 to 3 thousand dollars. Or I could put him on a steroid which would slow the fluid accumulation, giving him a few months of quality life. I have chosen the latter. I do not want to put him through any more pokes and tests, he has been through enough. If it would mean giving him several years, I would go the chemo route. But to put him through all that travel and the pokes and possible side effects because I am selfish and do not want to let him go, it just seems wrong. We will spend as much time with him as we can, and let him know how much he is loved. We are planning on taking him to the lake (one of his and the kids' favorite places) once he gains a few pounds back. He needs a few great times with his people before we have to say goodbye.

On a happier note, Jayson got his four day weekend over the 4th. He turned 40 on the 3rd of July, so it was nice to have him home for his birthday. We spent the day in Scottsbluff, NE. We took the kids to the zoo, went out to eat, and spent a chunk of cash on fireworks! The next day, on the 4th of July, his parents came down and we cooked steaks and set off fireworks. It was just a nice laid back weekend. Then on Sunday, about noon, he had to leave again. He is now in California in the desert, and will be there for the next 3 weeks. Then hopefully he will get a few days off before he ships off to Afghanistan. So far I have been doing alright. Being able to see him once a month has helped immensely, and he calls every single day, which is a huge help. I realize that once he is over seas we might not hear from him quite as much, and that is hard to think about. So I don't! I will mark it off, one day at a time, on the calendar. I bought the kids and myself each a band bracelet that reads "Dad" on one side (Mine says "Jayson") and "Until you come home" on the other side. The idea is that we will wear them until our guy is home safe from this deployment. He also got me a set of dog tags, so I wear those often!

Morgan turned 14 yesterday! It was a bummer that Jayson couldn't be here to celebrate with us, but he was able to call and wish Morgan a happy birthday. We went fishing, which is Morgan's favorite way to spend the day. They didn't catch anything, but I think they had a good time anyway.

I need to get to bed, as my days are getting fuller and fuller. But I do not like to go to bed because it is empty. I lay there with my eyes open staring at the ceiling, because when I close my eyes, thoughts and images and reminders that I am alone enter my mind, so I stare at the ceiling, and eventually drift off to sleep. I need to put Visine on my shopping list, or learn a better way to keep the unhappy out of my head! Many nights my daughter sneaks into my bed. I tell her "Regan, you need to get back to your own bed." Then I snuggle up to her, and silently thank her for joining me.

June 15, 2008

Jayson got to come home this weekend! Already! He has only been gone 2 1/2 weeks, so it was nice to be able to spend the weekend with him this soon. He gets to come home again over the 4th. We had bought a boat for our family for Christmas, so we were able to take it out on the lake for the first time. We had a great weekend. It was hard having Jayson leave again, but it feels good to know that he'll be home again in just another few weeks. After the 4th, he will leave for the Mohave Desert for about a month, then will ship to Afghanistan.

Jack is doing well. He has been on an antibiotic for the past 11 days. So far he seems to be doing great. He has been eating well and is gaining weight back. He has returned to his hyper happy self. He looks and acts like our old Jack. It gives me hope...

The kids are doing really good. They are keeping busy; Morgan has taken up gardening, and baseball season is in full swing. He and Wyatt also keep themselves busy riding their BMX bikes on a track they built themselves. Regan has been going to "kids college" at our local community college. She has been learning about sea animals, the beach, camping, pirates, and the jungle. The kids have all been doing a lot of swimming. Time is going really fast. Then again, it always does in the summer. :)

June 7, 2008

I have been so busy lately, it is hard to believe Jayson has been gone 11 days already. It is a 400 day deployment, so only 389 to go. I started a new job managing the town pool, so that has kept me very busy, and has taken all of my spare time. In some ways, I guess that is good because it has kept my mind off my husband being gone. But at the same time I feel like I am not here for my kids as much as I would like to be. I am hoping as the summer goes on, I will be able to spend less time there, and more time with the kids.

This week has been especially hard. I just found out yesterday that our beloved 3 1/2 year old, usually hyper, happy, life-loving 130 pound black lab has lymphoma. I noticed him acting differently a few days ago. I take him and our English Mastiff on a 2 mile walk each morning, and again each evening. He usually puts on about 10 miles to my 2, and one morning, I noticed he just wasn't himself. He just seemed tired, and walked slower than usual. That evening when I went to walk them again, He was behind me and I could hear him breathing hard. I turned around, and started looking him over. He had lost weight, and was breathing heavy, so I immediately went back to the house to call our vet. It was about 6:30 pm, so of course there was no one at the office. I told them I thought maybe I had an emergency, and the doctor called me back. I was afraid he had been bitten by a rattle snake, as we have them here, and he runs free much of the time. The vet told me to keep an eye on him, and make him an appointment first thing in the morning. When I took him in the next morning, they thought maybe he had pneumonia. I was to leave him there while they did blood tests and x-rayed his lungs. About an hour later, the vet called and told me I needed to take him to the next town, with a bigger more equipped office because it appeared that something was terribly wrong with him. I dropped everything and headed straight in to pick him up. They were waiting for me in Scottsbluff, NE, when I arrived with Jack, still breathing heavily. They thought maybe he had a diaphragmatic hernia, as his x-rays seemed to point toward that, so they did an emergency surgery. After his surgery the vet told me they had drained about 2 liters of fluid from his chest, and that it wasn't a hernia after all. They were now leaning toward a tumor. They said they were going to keep him for a few days while they had the fluid tested to determine exactly what we were dealing with. I cried all the way home, and really, I have been crying ever since. Yesterday the doctor confirmed that it was in fact a tumor, a very rare tumor: Mediastinal Lymphoma. And he said there is nothing they can do for him. I thought I was going to pass out. Everything seemed to get farther away from me, and I felt like my head would explode. Then I just burst into tears, and now as I sit here, I am so angry I want to scream. It just doesn't seem fair. He is such a good, sweet dog, and I need him. :(

We brought Jack home, and hope to be able to spend a few more days with him. His chest cavity will eventually refill with the fluids, he will start to have difficulty breathing again, and eventually we will have to make the decision to let him go. I asked the vet how long it would take, and he said he wasn't sure, but he gave me his card with an emergency number on it is case we needed it this weekend, so I know he doesn't have much time. This is the hardest thing I have had to deal with in a long time, and I just wish Jayson was here. I am not ready to let Jack go. I feel like my world is slowly crumbling and I have no control over anything and I hate it. I just keep hoping I will wake up, and all of this will just have been a nightmare.

May 27, 2008

Well, today was the day. We left for Laramie at about 4:30 am. We could have stayed in a hotel in Laramie so we wouldn't have to get up so early, but Jayson wanted to spend his last night here in his own bed. The kids actually all woke up easily, and we headed out. When we got to Laramie we had a quick breakfast at McDonald's and went to the armory. There, they packed the big bus that would take them to Kansas. It was a strange feeling. I felt almost numb. We then drove to the bucking horse statue where pictures were taken of the team, as well as family pictures. After having had our pictures taken, we returned to the armory and sat in on a short ceremony, then the soldiers had about 10 minutes with their families before they loaded the bus to leave. That was hard. I looked at Jayson, and something inside my head told me that our lives were about to change forever. I didn't feel like I was crying, but I had to keep wiping away the tears. I guess the only way to describe it would be to say I felt overwhelmingly lonely. He wasn't even gone yet, but I felt so alone. Then we went outside, one last hug and kiss, he climbed the stairs onto the bus, and he was gone.

I hardly remember driving home. I must have been on auto pilot. I don't even remember the kids fighting in the back seat. I am sure we could not have made a two hour trip without any fighting. Impossible. But I don't recall any fighting. Now I am home, and as I look around our bedroom, I notice a few of his dirty t-shirts and a pair of socks on the floor. I wonder if I should leave them there, so it feels like he is still here with me.

He has already called to let me know they made it. Now it doesn't feel like he is that far away, which is nice. After I got off the phone, I took a deep breath, dried my tears, and threw in a load of laundry. Whites. Socks and t-shirts.

May 24, 2008

We had a great turnout for Jayson's BBQ! The weather was crazy. There were funnel clouds coming up and down just to the South of us, and we later heard a few tornadoes had touched down not far from us. It rained most of the day and well into the evening. After checking the rain gauges the following day, we determined we had gotten about 3.5 inches in just a few days. That is NOT a lot of rain for our area! We typically don't get that in an entire month. The moisture was much needed. but we have a dirt road, so we had several of our guests get stuck, needing assistance to be on their way. We had arranged to pick up several tables from our church, but were unable to get them due to the rain. We ended up grilling right outside the garage, then people either came inside, sitting on the floor once all the chairs were taken, or standing in the garage where my brother-in-law, Tyson did the cooking. It was a lot of fun. My sister, Tiffini, came earlier in the day and helped me make fun decorated pretzel rods, which disappeared before I got a chance to have one...I hear they were good.

We had many friends and family come and show their support for Jayson, and I was impressed by how many people braved the weather and our road to come and see him before he leaves. Thank you to everyone for being there and helping make this time a little easier.

May 19, 2008

We just got home from short vacation. We took the kids to San Diego. We planned this trip a little over a month ago to give the kids something to look forward to, rather than just dreading their Dad leaving for a year. We had a great time, and packed a lot of fun into four short days. We flew out of Denver on Friday, the 16th. That was fun, as it was the first time the kids got to fly. We spent time on the beach that first day. It was great seeing the kids experience the ocean for the first time. Saturday we spent the entire day at Sea World. What a wonderful place. I was extremely impressed by Sea World's incredible support of the military, and their conservation efforts and animal protection awareness. They have a program called "Here's to the Heros" where they let the soldier and 3 dependants in FREE, and we also saved 20% on the only one ticket we had to buy. On Sunday, we went to the San Diego Zoo, where Jayson was also let in free of charge. We didn't spend near as much time here, as we were pretty wiped out from spending the entire day at Sea World the day before.

All in all, it was a great trip. Our rental car was a convertible, and we stayed at a place right on the beach, so it was a great way to get away from the stress of Jayson's upcoming deployment. Sadly, it went fast! We will just have to plan a longer vacation when Jayson gets home for good.

Jayson leaves in only 8 days now. It still seems like we have plenty of time. At this point it isn't bothering me too much. I think I am just keeping myself busy in order to avoid thinking about it or facing it. We are going to have a barbeque with family and friends on Friday, which should be fun. I think that keeping as busy as we have been has helped me deal with the sense of loss and emotional emptiness I feel at times.

May 10, 2008

Time flies. We have been keeping very busy, which is good and distracting. Morgan had his last track meet last weekend, coming home with a gold medal with his 4x4 relay team, and taking a 3rd in the mile run with a new personal best time of 5.45.0. So he finished the season well. Regan had a dance recital for her Hip Hop studio a few weeks ago, and has her final recital for the tap studio the 30th and 31st of May. Wyatt has been plain keeping busy, and had been doing well until he broke his little toe a few weeks ago. He is actually healed up from that one now. We are now fully covered medically, so hopefully this will mean he will have no further injuries! **fingers crossed**. I accepted a new job and will be managing the swimming pool in our town for the summer. This will either keep me busy so I don't stress or worry too much, or it will push me over the edge, as I always seem to put way too much on my plate.

I have bneen thinking a lot about Jayson saying that a year isn't a long time, so I did some calculations, wrote them up, and handed them to Jayson. Here is what I came up with:

It takes 9 months to grow a baby. In a year, that is 1 1/3 babies.

A duck takes 21 days to hatch. In a year, that is 17.38 duck hatches, back to back.

Milk expires after 2 weeks of constant refrigeration. In a year, that is 26 gallons of milk, expired.

The average house fly lives for 72 hours. In a year, that is 121.66 fly life spans.

It takes approximately 6 hours to play a “short” game of Monopoly. In a year, that is 1,460 games of Monopoly. Argh! .

One episode of Spongebob lasts 15 minutes. In a year, that is 35,040 Spongebobs.

The average person blinks every five seconds. In a year, that is 6,205,000 blinks in a year.

A hummingbird’s wings beat 75 times a second. That is 2,365,200,000 hummingbird wing beats in a year. Yes, over a billion.

Of course, I thought I was making my point in a brilliant way. Guess what Jayson says? "Yah, but a year is only once around the sun." So obviously he has been thinking about it too, just in a more positive light! ;)

Jayson did do something very nice for me. I have always wanted a yard fountain. He bought me a very nice big concrete one, built a cobblestone walkway and platform for it, and worked all day putting it in for me. It is his "him going away" gift to me. He is still going to put lights around it, and finish the wiring so it won't be on an extension, but I had to show it off here anyway! I absolutely love it. We just had our new yard seeds sprayed on, so in about a month, it really ought to look nice. Now I will be able to sit on our deck, look out at my fountain, and be proud. Lonely, but proud!

April 28, 2008

A few months back we went to a pre-deployment briefing. I was feeling good, looking for information, not emotional at all. Then the speaker started talking about how deployment affects children. He said usually the very young do okay with it, as they are too young to understand. The older teenagers usually do okay, as they are old enought to understand. "The children who have the hardest time with the deployment," he said, "are those ages 8 - 14." Out came my tissue. My children are 8, 10, and 13. All three in the "have a harder time dealing with it" age group. I hope I have the strength and patience to help get them through this and come out of it stronger. It got me thinking about things I can do to help them. One of the things I came up wih is that they will each learn a new talent while Jayson is away. Morgan and Regan have decided they will learn to play the guitar, and Wyatt wants to learn to play drums. I am hoping Wyatt will change his mind and decide on the guitar as well. Drums just don't seem peaceful and stress reducing for some reason.

At the briefing they gave the kids each a squishy grenade with "Wyoming Army National Guard" printed on the side. As we were driving home, our daughter, Regan, asked me "What are these things used for, anyway?" I explained to her how they're used, how they are thrown into a building or whatever to blow it up. She said "Sheesh, that sounds dangerous. Why don't they just flip a coin?" Now there's an idea!

April 27, 2008

Okay, today was a rough day for me. I had been doing well. Almost in a state of calm the past few weeks, but today as I looked at the calendar and realized that we are down to the last month with Jayson here, I got a little, lets just say, irritable. All my worries and fears hit me hard and at once, and I felt like a walking nightmare most of the day. Jayson was busy much of the day tending cattle and fencing, trying to get everything ready for a year without him. I spent the day running kids to Sunday School, church, and to a skate party put on by the Sunday School. This left me way too much time to think and worry. Tomorrow he is leaving for North Dakota for a few days to visit his grandparents. I have been encouraging him to make this trip, insisting he go. It is important for others to be able to spend time with him, as much as I want him all to my self this last month. I feel so insecure right now, like we need to be together every second of every day we have left because who knows, these might be our last. Those who have been through the deployment process before would either know exactly what I am feeling, or think I must be the clingy helpless type wife. Quite the opposite. I am the strong one, the "glue that holds our family together", my husband once said. I am independant and self sufficient, but I feel like I am on the verge of experiencing a profound loss. Jayson says that as soon as he is gone, I will probably be okay, and I know he is right...I will be. I feel like the anxiety leading up to this is going to be the worst part. We'll see. My worries now are focused on a year of lonely nights, then the changes we will be facing as the year draws to an end. I tend to worry about the what-ifs and what the future holds, and not focus on the here and now. This is something I really need to work on. Jayson says we need to enjoy this month, and not make it miserable with all the energy being wasted on worry. He is so right, but it is so hard. Today is April 27. Jayson leaves on May 27. I feel like the clock is ticking...and there's no stopping it...

May 6, 2008

Wow. I can not believe that four and a half months since I last posted. My original plan was to post every week or so throughout this whole process, and here I am all this time later. Lets hope the deployment goes this quick! I guess my only excuse is that I have been busy! Jayson and I took a vacation the end of January and went to our favorite place on earth, Maui! We had a great time, and it was nice to just get away from it all. Jayson's mom came and stayed with the kids, so we were able to relax. I have been doing alright lately, just not able to sleep well.

We went to a dining out last weekend, and I was hit by the reality of our situation. As I sat at the back of the room, my husband was called forward for a change of duties ceremony where he "handed over his duties" to the soldier who would take his place while he is deployed. It caught me offguard, but I sat there trying to descreetly wipe my eyes with my napkin. He was then presented with a knife, and told "we hope you don't have to use this, but..." More tears, and some disturbing thoughts enter my mind. Then they had a guest speaker who got up and spoke on the horrors of war, and how it changes our soldiers. No stopping the tears at this point. Apparently I was not discreet enough, because when it was all over, I had several other soldier's wives come to me and hug me, tell me the feelings were normal (I was insisting that I was fine, and I didn't know why I was crying! Blame the Captain Morgan). They all told me the feelings I was having were normal, and that they get much worse!

I have good days and bad. The bad days are confusing because I get emotional, everything upsets me, and I swear I must be pregnant. Then I realize that I am just full of stress and anxiety and it comes out at strange times. I work at the school my children attend, and there have been times I hear them outside saying the Pledge of Allegience, and I tear up. I guess it has taken on new meaning. My husband doesn't quite understand the feelings I am having, and I feel like to him the idea of a year long seperation is not as hard. When I am on the verge of crying, he looks at me and says "A year isn't that long! It isn't that big of a deal. Everything is fine!" And I hear, "I don't care that I won't see you for a year! It doesn't bother me a bit! In fact, I like it!" Then he says "Why are you crying??" and I think "Why aren't you?" and that is when I know I must be (1) pregnant (2) emotionally unstable with a chemical imbalance or (3) having normal emotional feelings associated with pre-deployment. It is then that I realize that in my anxious state I wish he would sit on the edge of the bed trembling, choking on his own tears, snot running down his face because he can't control the sadness and feelings of loss when thinking about not seeing his wife for a year. This image snaps me out of it. I realize that he is not thrilled about leaving, but he has a job to do, and it is my job to support him in that, whether or not I like it. So, anyway, I am going to go with number 3. My feelings are normal. Okay, normal for me, anyway! We still have 1 1/2 months defore he leaves. We will have to just make the most of it!