July 10, 2008

It has been a rough month. Jack being sick has consumed a lot of my time and emotional energy. I took him to Fort Collins, Colorado to the animal hospital at CSU. The best place in the nation to take a sick animal. There really isn't anything they can do for him short of chemotherapy. That would entail taking him to Fort Collins several times for chemo injections and perhaps getting a year of quality life for him. The cost would be 2 to 3 thousand dollars. Or I could put him on a steroid which would slow the fluid accumulation, giving him a few months of quality life. I have chosen the latter. I do not want to put him through any more pokes and tests, he has been through enough. If it would mean giving him several years, I would go the chemo route. But to put him through all that travel and the pokes and possible side effects because I am selfish and do not want to let him go, it just seems wrong. We will spend as much time with him as we can, and let him know how much he is loved. We are planning on taking him to the lake (one of his and the kids' favorite places) once he gains a few pounds back. He needs a few great times with his people before we have to say goodbye.

On a happier note, Jayson got his four day weekend over the 4th. He turned 40 on the 3rd of July, so it was nice to have him home for his birthday. We spent the day in Scottsbluff, NE. We took the kids to the zoo, went out to eat, and spent a chunk of cash on fireworks! The next day, on the 4th of July, his parents came down and we cooked steaks and set off fireworks. It was just a nice laid back weekend. Then on Sunday, about noon, he had to leave again. He is now in California in the desert, and will be there for the next 3 weeks. Then hopefully he will get a few days off before he ships off to Afghanistan. So far I have been doing alright. Being able to see him once a month has helped immensely, and he calls every single day, which is a huge help. I realize that once he is over seas we might not hear from him quite as much, and that is hard to think about. So I don't! I will mark it off, one day at a time, on the calendar. I bought the kids and myself each a band bracelet that reads "Dad" on one side (Mine says "Jayson") and "Until you come home" on the other side. The idea is that we will wear them until our guy is home safe from this deployment. He also got me a set of dog tags, so I wear those often!

Morgan turned 14 yesterday! It was a bummer that Jayson couldn't be here to celebrate with us, but he was able to call and wish Morgan a happy birthday. We went fishing, which is Morgan's favorite way to spend the day. They didn't catch anything, but I think they had a good time anyway.

I need to get to bed, as my days are getting fuller and fuller. But I do not like to go to bed because it is empty. I lay there with my eyes open staring at the ceiling, because when I close my eyes, thoughts and images and reminders that I am alone enter my mind, so I stare at the ceiling, and eventually drift off to sleep. I need to put Visine on my shopping list, or learn a better way to keep the unhappy out of my head! Many nights my daughter sneaks into my bed. I tell her "Regan, you need to get back to your own bed." Then I snuggle up to her, and silently thank her for joining me.