Wow. I can not believe that four and a half months since I last posted. My original plan was to post every week or so throughout this whole process, and here I am all this time later. Lets hope the deployment goes this quick! I guess my only excuse is that I have been busy! Jayson and I took a vacation the end of January and went to our favorite place on earth, Maui! We had a great time, and it was nice to just get away from it all. Jayson's mom came and stayed with the kids, so we were able to relax. I have been doing alright lately, just not able to sleep well.
We went to a dining out last weekend, and I was hit by the reality of our situation. As I sat at the back of the room, my husband was called forward for a change of duties ceremony where he "handed over his duties" to the soldier who would take his place while he is deployed. It caught me offguard, but I sat there trying to descreetly wipe my eyes with my napkin. He was then presented with a knife, and told "we hope you don't have to use this, but..." More tears, and some disturbing thoughts enter my mind. Then they had a guest speaker who got up and spoke on the horrors of war, and how it changes our soldiers. No stopping the tears at this point. Apparently I was not discreet enough, because when it was all over, I had several other soldier's wives come to me and hug me, tell me the feelings were normal (I was insisting that I was fine, and I didn't know why I was crying! Blame the Captain Morgan). They all told me the feelings I was having were normal, and that they get much worse!
I have good days and bad. The bad days are confusing because I get emotional, everything upsets me, and I swear I must be pregnant. Then I realize that I am just full of stress and anxiety and it comes out at strange times. I work at the school my children attend, and there have been times I hear them outside saying the Pledge of Allegience, and I tear up. I guess it has taken on new meaning. My husband doesn't quite understand the feelings I am having, and I feel like to him the idea of a year long seperation is not as hard. When I am on the verge of crying, he looks at me and says "A year isn't that long! It isn't that big of a deal. Everything is fine!" And I hear, "I don't care that I won't see you for a year! It doesn't bother me a bit! In fact, I like it!" Then he says "Why are you crying??" and I think "Why aren't you?" and that is when I know I must be (1) pregnant (2) emotionally unstable with a chemical imbalance or (3) having normal emotional feelings associated with pre-deployment. It is then that I realize that in my anxious state I wish he would sit on the edge of the bed trembling, choking on his own tears, snot running down his face because he can't control the sadness and feelings of loss when thinking about not seeing his wife for a year. This image snaps me out of it. I realize that he is not thrilled about leaving, but he has a job to do, and it is my job to support him in that, whether or not I like it. So, anyway, I am going to go with number 3. My feelings are normal. Okay, normal for me, anyway! We still have 1 1/2 months defore he leaves. We will have to just make the most of it!
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