It is cold today, and cold does not make me very happy. And, well, I have an irrational fear of winter, and I know it is coming, and having it come without Jayson, it is creating anxiety for me. I know, it is a stupid thing to not love, but I really, really do not love snow and cold. I checked the forecast, and next week it is supposed to warm up again. I think it would be easier on me if it were summer the whole time Jayson was gone. Winter is just a cold, long, lonely time anyway, and now it will be especially cold, long and lonely.
We went to the high school homecoming game last Friday, It was a lot of fun. Before the game they sing the National Anthem. Half way through, I started to tear up. I tried to blink away my tears so nobody would notice, but someone did, then they gave me a hug, so that drew more attention to me, and hence more tears. Sheesh, it is just the National Anthem at a small town high school football game for crying out loud, and I was bawling like a baby. Funny the things that make it all hit home. It is nice that other people understand and offer their support, although when they do, it is harder to hide my feelings. I miss my husband.
Morgan finished up with football on Thursday. They won their last game. They ended the season winning 4 losing only 1.
We used to make big dinners, turkey and all the fixings, almost every Sunday after church. We haven't done that since Jayson left. It just seems somehow wrong. I really need to start doing that again, and try to keep up our traditions while he is gone, especially for the kids. They get sad and angry sometimes, and we all have days where we just want to punch something, and then cry. Maybe we should all take up kickboxing. I bet that feels good.
Regan got a card from her dad, so I pulled her out of her class to give it to her, because I thought she would be so excited. It made her cry. She tried to act tough and not let me know, but I saw her tears, and it broke my heart. I just scooped her up and told her that I cry every single time I get a letter from him. "Really?" she asked, eyes wide. Yes, I told her. I told her that it makes me happy and sad all at the same time, and that just makes me cry. She agreed, that was exactly how she felt. We gave each other a big hug, and as I watched her walk back down the hall to her classroom, the tears came again.
On Wednesday, Jayson called to talk before school. I was running behind, and trying to get all the kids ready for school. I passed the phone around so everybody could say hi to him, and talk for a bit. I was getting frustrated because when I am not constantly reminding the kids about what they need to get done, (brush your teeth, get dressed, load your backpack, get your homework, pack your lunch, feed the dog...) they will just sit on the couch, and zone out. Finally I realized how late I was going to be, and I got a little angry with my husband, and said, I really have to go. I could hear the disappointment in his voice as he said goodbye. At first I was relieved, and we all headed out the door. After driving for about 5 minutes, I felt sick about how I had treated him. I realized that he was so much more important to me than being on time for my job. I felt like a complete jerk. I emailed him the second I got to school, and apologized, and told him how much he means to me. It bothered me all day. He called that evening, and everything was okay. Never again will I be "inconvenienced" by a call from my man. My family comes first, always has, always will, and I didn't put it that way that morning. I will never do that again.
Jayson, I am sorry. That guilt will bother me forever, I think.
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