August 27, 2008

It seems like I am always finding excuses not to blog, but this whole deployment business is harder to deal with than I had thought it would be, and it is really bringing me down. It is hard when we have an argument, when we hang up, he can call me, but right now I can't call him. It doesn't seem fair. It is like there is nothing I can do, everything is beyond my control, and I just feel sad. It's early, so I am sure this will get easier. I hope. It is hard not knowing exactly where he is, what he is doing, what he is experiencing, and how much danger he might be in. These are not things he will tell me until after the fact, I am sure. This way, he tells me, I won't worry. Not true! I think I worry more!

Morgan started football at school, so he has practice every night. Wyatt is managing the team, so he goes and helps out with practice. I am glad he decided to do it. Now they have something in common that can help them bond, I hope!

School is in full swing. The kids and I started back on the 20th of August. I was not ready to go back. I never am, but this year it seems like we had to go back way too early. The day before we went back, the kids and I met a friend and her kids for a day at the lake. I wasn't feeling that well, so my friend and I just sat in beach chairs and watched the kids play in the water, and talked. It was nice to have someone to talk to. I had a stomach ache for about a week after Jayson left, and I just now realize that it was probably caused by stress, and nerves. I am feeling better now, just blue. I am looking forward to the community Ed classes through out local college to be posted. I am planning on taking a class, more than likely something active, to help keep me busy and moving. We took our little dog, Bergie, to the lake with us. She got to try out her new life jacket! I think she liked it. The kids had a blast playing with her, because she was like a little toy, and the life jacket has handles so they could pack her around like a little suitcase!

Jayson isn't able to call us as much as he did when he was in the states, which was a few times a day. Now we have to go a few days between phone calls, so I am making sure I email him daily, just to let him know we are all doing okay, and that we are thinking about him. We finally got a mailing address for him, so we can start sending care packages! The kids will have fun with that, I'm sure! Gotta keep pluggin' away.

August 14, 2008

Jayson left yesterday. It was harder on me than I ever could have imagined. I had been doing okay the past few months knowing he was still in the states, and that we got see see each other every so often.

He left on Wednesday, at about 2 in the afternoon. They drove back to Kansas, and then found out they will fly out Saturday, August 16th. I was upset with this, as they were told it would be 12-48 hours and they would be gone. I would have taken a few days off and gone back with him had I known. The military is not exactly family friendly, and that makes me sad. They don't take families and feelings into consideration when they schedule, so there seems to be a lot of wasted time. Time that we could have spent together.

We had a nice week, though. The first day Jayson was home, he and I took a Harley trip through the Black Hills, visited the Sturgis motorcycle Rally, then picked up my "new" Jeep Wrangler in Beulah, WY, which I had bought off EBay the week before! When we got home, Jayson took all the seats out of the Jeep, and Rhino-linered the entire floor. It looks great! He also changed all the plugs and wires, distributor cap and rotor, and did some general maintenance on it. He was impressed with it, which was a relief to me. I have always wanted a Jeep, and when I told him I had bought it, he was not too happy. But when he got a chance to look it over, he decided that I had done okay! I have been busy personalizing it, with new seat covers and a tire cover to start with. I love driving it. It is like a little chunk of happiness for me! I am easy to please. Maybe it will help me get through this year. When I get sad or upset, I can go for a drive!

The next day we took the Jeep(!) and pulled the boat out to Glendo Reservoir. The kids love spending the lay on the lake. They did some fishing, but again caught nothing. Morgan got a bite, and the fish was apparently huge, and it took off with his new pricey lure! But we had a good time anyway. We had Bergie, our Cairn Terrier with us, and after seeing that she isn't the strongest swimmer out there, got her fitted with a new life jacket! She hates it! But she will be safer, and I will feel better next time we go out!

On Friday we went on a shopping trip to Casper, and got our boys new beds. The poor kids had been sleeping on split apart bunk beds which they'd had for the past 8 years or so, so it was time for "good beds". I am hoping that Wyatt will start to sleep better with his new bed. He has been having more and more night terrors, and even worries about everything before he goes to bed. Every little sound startles him, and he makes sure more than a few times that the doors are all locked before he goes to bed. He usually ends up in my bed within a few hours. We're pretty sure a lot of it is due to anxiety about Jayson being gone.

The rest of the time Jayson was here we spent taking care of things around the house. He worked on the yard, the Jeep, the motorcycles, the garage. The week just flew by.

By about Monday evening, I started getting extremely restless and anxious. I get very crabby when I am hurt or worried, and end up pushing Jayson away. I didn't want to be around him. I can't even explain it, and now I don't understand why I do that, but I guess I figure if I stay away, it can't hurt me. But it does. I was pretty distant, and by Tuesday night, you could say I was freaking out! He didn't understand what my problem was, and he just ended up getting mad at me, and only saw my frustration as a lack of support, and not the worry and hurt that I was feeling. I ended up out on our deck thinking I was going to have a nervous breakdown. It was awful! I was able to get a hold of a dear friend of mine, Sher, who lives too far away, and she helped me calm down and regain my composure. After that, we were finally able to talk, if only for a while. We ended up having a nice last evening, but I cried myself to sleep for the 3rd night that week. When he left, I felt almost numb. I couldn't stop the tears as I watched him drive away. Stupid as it sounds, I felt like I was being abandoned. Left with a houseful of kids, a ton of responsibilities, lists of things to accomplish...alone.

Now it is time to buck up, get over feeling sorry for myself, and start the countdown...About 291 days, according to my calculations. We will be okay. I will be okay. Jayson will be okay. It is such a long time. And I don't have to like it, I just have to get through it.

August 4, 2008

Jayson will be home late tomorrow night. Probably more like early Wednesday morning. He gets released at about 4:00pm. I am looking forward to him coming home, but I am nervous at the same time because I know this is the last time I will get to see him for a long time. We had talked about having me drive him back to Kansas when it was time for him to leave so I could spend that last bit of time with him. Today he told me they are not recommending any family members come back with them because security will be tight, and we might not be able to see much of them anyway. The actual flight time and all that is a big secret, all they know is that they will fly out anywhere from 12 to 48 hours after they arrive back. This makes me sick to my stomach. I don't like not knowing. I don't like secrets. I guess I had better get used to the idea. I am sure there will be a lot of things I do not know, a lot of times where all I will be able to do is wonder where he is and how he is, and that will be very hard for me. For the past 17 years, Jayson and I have always been able to communicate whenever we needed to, always being able to be there for eachother whenever we needed eachother. It makes me sad to think that not only will he not be able to be here for me and the kids, but that I won't be able to be there for him either. I just need to make the most of this week we have together, then write lots of letters and take lots of pictures so I can include him as much as possible. For the past few months I have been sending him picture messages through the cell phones letting him know where we are and what we are up to. He loves getting those, and always tells me how much he appreciates it. It won't be as easy when we can't use the phones, but there is always email. It won't be instant, but at least we have that.

The kids start school on the 20th. It seems like it comes sooner every year. This is not my favorite time of year. In fact, when fall is coming, it just means winter is right around the corner, and I am very much a solar powered girl, and I tend to get a little SAD when school comes. I wish my kids could stay home and we could just play all year. But I guess it doesn't work that way! Rats. Morgan will be able to play football this year (he had a broken collar bone last season) so he is looking forward to that. And dance will be starting up for Regan real soon, then there are the guitar lessons...I will be keeping so busy that this year will probably just fly by! I need to make sure the video camera is out and used often, then I can put it all on DVD's and send the games and recitals and all that fun stuff to Jayson so he doesn't have to miss any of it.