July 28, 2008

It has been way too long since I posted last. I have been so busy with my job and the kids, and our business, and emotionally I have been feeling very tired and generally bummed. I have so much to do every day, and I feel like I am never caught up, and I am always falling behind. When I sit down and really think about it, I am really doing okay. I guess it is probably just stress and being overwhelmed. And I miss Jack. I got his grave marker today. It is a stone that has his name and a paw print engraved on it.

Jayson gets to come home in one week! He gets a whole week off before he has to leave to go back to Kansas, then it is off to Afghanistan... We are planning on taking a motorcycle trip when he is home. I am looking forward to that. It will be nice to spend some alone time with him before he has to leave.

The kids and I have been staying very busy lately. Last week I took them to a small lake about 25 miles from our house. They had a lot of fun swimming in the lake, but ended up with itchy bumps later on that evening! I don't know what was in the water with them, but the bumps are still there, so they are more than likely going to go see the doctor tomorrow! On Wednesday, we went to Cheyenne to watch the air show on. That is always a lot of fun. Then that Saturday we went to Mitchell, NE to watch the remote control plane fly-in. And yesterday we went to Casper to watch the hot air balloons, got up and left the house at 3:00am, got there about 5:30am, and at about 6:00 they cancelled the show due to wind! What a let down! So we got a hold of my brother and his wife, and we all went to a place and raced slot cars. The kids had a great time doing that, so it made missing the balloon show worth it for them. Then we met up with my sister and we all went out to lunch. It was nice getting to see all of them. We got home about 6 last night, and I am still tired from the short night before. I would love to be able to sleep in, but I just can't! I am the most productive in the a.m., and this morning I was up about 6:30, went and sprayed weeds, walked my big dog, and finished my landscaping project all before my kids even woke up! Now I am tired again. I have a hard time falling asleep at night, then get up way too early, and I wonder why I am feeling less than chipper these days I need to do something early in the evenings to help me relax so I can go to bed at a decent time, and actually fall alseep! Sometimes I wish my mind had an off switch. But them how would I get it back on?

July 17, 2008

Today was a difficult day. I had to have Jack put to sleep. Every time I had pet him lately I could feel more of his bones. He was barely eating. Last night he didn't sleep in his usual spot on our deck. He did not want to be in the house. He ended up sleeping behind the house. In the morning, I went outside to give him his medicine. I gave it to him in a hotdog, because he always would take it that way. A few minutes later he went down the hill and threw up. I know it was time. I could not let him suffer anymore. I kept hoping that he would get better. I finally realized that he would not. He is buried out back between the fire pit and the canal, two of his favorite places. This was very hard to deal with, especially without having Jayson here to help me. I will miss Jack terribly.

July 10, 2008

It has been a rough month. Jack being sick has consumed a lot of my time and emotional energy. I took him to Fort Collins, Colorado to the animal hospital at CSU. The best place in the nation to take a sick animal. There really isn't anything they can do for him short of chemotherapy. That would entail taking him to Fort Collins several times for chemo injections and perhaps getting a year of quality life for him. The cost would be 2 to 3 thousand dollars. Or I could put him on a steroid which would slow the fluid accumulation, giving him a few months of quality life. I have chosen the latter. I do not want to put him through any more pokes and tests, he has been through enough. If it would mean giving him several years, I would go the chemo route. But to put him through all that travel and the pokes and possible side effects because I am selfish and do not want to let him go, it just seems wrong. We will spend as much time with him as we can, and let him know how much he is loved. We are planning on taking him to the lake (one of his and the kids' favorite places) once he gains a few pounds back. He needs a few great times with his people before we have to say goodbye.

On a happier note, Jayson got his four day weekend over the 4th. He turned 40 on the 3rd of July, so it was nice to have him home for his birthday. We spent the day in Scottsbluff, NE. We took the kids to the zoo, went out to eat, and spent a chunk of cash on fireworks! The next day, on the 4th of July, his parents came down and we cooked steaks and set off fireworks. It was just a nice laid back weekend. Then on Sunday, about noon, he had to leave again. He is now in California in the desert, and will be there for the next 3 weeks. Then hopefully he will get a few days off before he ships off to Afghanistan. So far I have been doing alright. Being able to see him once a month has helped immensely, and he calls every single day, which is a huge help. I realize that once he is over seas we might not hear from him quite as much, and that is hard to think about. So I don't! I will mark it off, one day at a time, on the calendar. I bought the kids and myself each a band bracelet that reads "Dad" on one side (Mine says "Jayson") and "Until you come home" on the other side. The idea is that we will wear them until our guy is home safe from this deployment. He also got me a set of dog tags, so I wear those often!

Morgan turned 14 yesterday! It was a bummer that Jayson couldn't be here to celebrate with us, but he was able to call and wish Morgan a happy birthday. We went fishing, which is Morgan's favorite way to spend the day. They didn't catch anything, but I think they had a good time anyway.

I need to get to bed, as my days are getting fuller and fuller. But I do not like to go to bed because it is empty. I lay there with my eyes open staring at the ceiling, because when I close my eyes, thoughts and images and reminders that I am alone enter my mind, so I stare at the ceiling, and eventually drift off to sleep. I need to put Visine on my shopping list, or learn a better way to keep the unhappy out of my head! Many nights my daughter sneaks into my bed. I tell her "Regan, you need to get back to your own bed." Then I snuggle up to her, and silently thank her for joining me.