April 28, 2008

A few months back we went to a pre-deployment briefing. I was feeling good, looking for information, not emotional at all. Then the speaker started talking about how deployment affects children. He said usually the very young do okay with it, as they are too young to understand. The older teenagers usually do okay, as they are old enought to understand. "The children who have the hardest time with the deployment," he said, "are those ages 8 - 14." Out came my tissue. My children are 8, 10, and 13. All three in the "have a harder time dealing with it" age group. I hope I have the strength and patience to help get them through this and come out of it stronger. It got me thinking about things I can do to help them. One of the things I came up wih is that they will each learn a new talent while Jayson is away. Morgan and Regan have decided they will learn to play the guitar, and Wyatt wants to learn to play drums. I am hoping Wyatt will change his mind and decide on the guitar as well. Drums just don't seem peaceful and stress reducing for some reason.

At the briefing they gave the kids each a squishy grenade with "Wyoming Army National Guard" printed on the side. As we were driving home, our daughter, Regan, asked me "What are these things used for, anyway?" I explained to her how they're used, how they are thrown into a building or whatever to blow it up. She said "Sheesh, that sounds dangerous. Why don't they just flip a coin?" Now there's an idea!

April 27, 2008

Okay, today was a rough day for me. I had been doing well. Almost in a state of calm the past few weeks, but today as I looked at the calendar and realized that we are down to the last month with Jayson here, I got a little, lets just say, irritable. All my worries and fears hit me hard and at once, and I felt like a walking nightmare most of the day. Jayson was busy much of the day tending cattle and fencing, trying to get everything ready for a year without him. I spent the day running kids to Sunday School, church, and to a skate party put on by the Sunday School. This left me way too much time to think and worry. Tomorrow he is leaving for North Dakota for a few days to visit his grandparents. I have been encouraging him to make this trip, insisting he go. It is important for others to be able to spend time with him, as much as I want him all to my self this last month. I feel so insecure right now, like we need to be together every second of every day we have left because who knows, these might be our last. Those who have been through the deployment process before would either know exactly what I am feeling, or think I must be the clingy helpless type wife. Quite the opposite. I am the strong one, the "glue that holds our family together", my husband once said. I am independant and self sufficient, but I feel like I am on the verge of experiencing a profound loss. Jayson says that as soon as he is gone, I will probably be okay, and I know he is right...I will be. I feel like the anxiety leading up to this is going to be the worst part. We'll see. My worries now are focused on a year of lonely nights, then the changes we will be facing as the year draws to an end. I tend to worry about the what-ifs and what the future holds, and not focus on the here and now. This is something I really need to work on. Jayson says we need to enjoy this month, and not make it miserable with all the energy being wasted on worry. He is so right, but it is so hard. Today is April 27. Jayson leaves on May 27. I feel like the clock is ticking...and there's no stopping it...

May 6, 2008

Wow. I can not believe that four and a half months since I last posted. My original plan was to post every week or so throughout this whole process, and here I am all this time later. Lets hope the deployment goes this quick! I guess my only excuse is that I have been busy! Jayson and I took a vacation the end of January and went to our favorite place on earth, Maui! We had a great time, and it was nice to just get away from it all. Jayson's mom came and stayed with the kids, so we were able to relax. I have been doing alright lately, just not able to sleep well.

We went to a dining out last weekend, and I was hit by the reality of our situation. As I sat at the back of the room, my husband was called forward for a change of duties ceremony where he "handed over his duties" to the soldier who would take his place while he is deployed. It caught me offguard, but I sat there trying to descreetly wipe my eyes with my napkin. He was then presented with a knife, and told "we hope you don't have to use this, but..." More tears, and some disturbing thoughts enter my mind. Then they had a guest speaker who got up and spoke on the horrors of war, and how it changes our soldiers. No stopping the tears at this point. Apparently I was not discreet enough, because when it was all over, I had several other soldier's wives come to me and hug me, tell me the feelings were normal (I was insisting that I was fine, and I didn't know why I was crying! Blame the Captain Morgan). They all told me the feelings I was having were normal, and that they get much worse!

I have good days and bad. The bad days are confusing because I get emotional, everything upsets me, and I swear I must be pregnant. Then I realize that I am just full of stress and anxiety and it comes out at strange times. I work at the school my children attend, and there have been times I hear them outside saying the Pledge of Allegience, and I tear up. I guess it has taken on new meaning. My husband doesn't quite understand the feelings I am having, and I feel like to him the idea of a year long seperation is not as hard. When I am on the verge of crying, he looks at me and says "A year isn't that long! It isn't that big of a deal. Everything is fine!" And I hear, "I don't care that I won't see you for a year! It doesn't bother me a bit! In fact, I like it!" Then he says "Why are you crying??" and I think "Why aren't you?" and that is when I know I must be (1) pregnant (2) emotionally unstable with a chemical imbalance or (3) having normal emotional feelings associated with pre-deployment. It is then that I realize that in my anxious state I wish he would sit on the edge of the bed trembling, choking on his own tears, snot running down his face because he can't control the sadness and feelings of loss when thinking about not seeing his wife for a year. This image snaps me out of it. I realize that he is not thrilled about leaving, but he has a job to do, and it is my job to support him in that, whether or not I like it. So, anyway, I am going to go with number 3. My feelings are normal. Okay, normal for me, anyway! We still have 1 1/2 months defore he leaves. We will have to just make the most of it!